Here is the biggest confession of my life.
A confession that can change your world if you are a new mom.
Its been 4.9 years since I became a mom. All throughout my pregnancy I came across experienced mothers telling me how wonderful mommyhood is, how beautiful it would be when I would get to hold my little one in my arms, how easily I would get transformed from a careless girl to a wonderfully caring mother.
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Lately, I have been a part of a lot of motherhood groups on the social networking sites. I notice new mothers putting up pictures of themselves and their babies, where I notice the mothers with glow on their face, looking as if they had entered the most beautiful phase in their life.
Yes, all of them seem to be enjoying every bit of the new life that they are living. The new life with their new tiny little muffin. But I must confess that my beginning on this new path was pretty different.
I wasn’t too happy in the very beginning of my mommyhood. I choose to confess this because I know that a lot of new moms are going through the same situation as mine and they too like me end up not enjoying their mommyhood from the beginning.
My first day of motherhood? I ended up in the hospital bathroom, worried about everything, crying over nothing.
Motherhood treated me completely differently since the beginning, it treated me in a way that made me feel sick in my heart. You may seem to call me naive ( which I probably was at that time).
What is happening to me? I asked myself. Yes of course I was happy about the new little baby coming into our life. Then what was it that was bothering me. The whole feeling was nothing like I’d hoped , or expected (and the icing on the cake was the fact that I came across many times that I was being judged on this, and was being discussed too, by all sorts strangers). The feeling was really scary and painful.
The time came, when we had to take our baby home, and things got even more hard for me.
No time to sleep. I was shocked how I didn’t know how to do anything. I couldn’t “shush” my baby. I was bad at nursing. At times, I even got angry at the newborn. I’d obviously reached an all-time low.
For the first time ever in my life, I was failing , failing at something that I always dreamt of excelling at. I started to doubt myself, doubting that is this for real.
Ever since I remember I had longed to be a great mother. Had I been longing for something wrong?
The whole world had told me how much I would love being a mom, and how I would be an excellent mom to my new muffin.
Was everyone wrong?
Was the world expecting something from me that I would never be able to do?
Why was it that I was unable to live upto the amazing words told to me before I became a mom. The cloud of loneliness and shame endowed upon me completely.
Why was it that some external reasons were making me too sad. Why was it that such situations stopped me from getting happy. Why did I ended up sulking for things that didn’t matter to me at all?
And it was time to challenge myself. It was time to challenge the funny raging hormones and my sleep deprived brain and body.
I had to take a decision. A well determined and fierce decision that would bring me out of the sulking ME.
The process was really hard. More because no woman I ever knew had felt the same loneliness and shame that I was feeling after I became a mom.
Despite of having amazing and helpful people around me who really cared, I couldn’t bring myself out of it.
Yes!! Out of something that is commonly called Postpartum Depression.
I was drowning deep and deep in an ocean of useless depression.
How I wish I had ever come across someone who was struggling with motherhood , just like me. Who would be wondering just like me , why in the world she could get all the things together, someone who just like me felt that she was the only woman in the world who was not falling in love with motherhood, or was trying too hard to be a bit good at it, just like me.
Had I come across someone like this before, I wouldn’t have felt this alone.
I may have felt desperate , snappy or bitter… But I wouldn’t have felt alone.
And so I chose to change certain things. One, I decided I would raise my daughter on my own terms and with my own kind of rules ( that is no rules at all), and second, I would now only concentrate on her, leaving aside all the reasons that would depress me, and third and the most important thing now I would choose to be happy and would enjoy every bit of this new journey, nothing, absolutely nothing would be able to part me with happiness.
If I am questioned after this article, that Why am I letting the whole world know what I went through. That’s easy.
I write to tell you that you’re not alone.
If you feel that motherhood is the most difficult thing you have ever done… you aren’t alone
If you feel you cant do it all… you aren’t alone
If you find yourself struggling with a depression or anxiety and you are unable to control your temper…you aren’t alone
You may end up feeling that you are the only new mother struggling with this, you can definitely trust me that… you aren’t alone
This doesn’t mean that you don’t need any real and live help.. Definitely you do need it.
Does it mean that being a mother isn’t worth it…definitely it is…
Does it mean that you don’t need God’s blessings.. you do so much
On the hard days when you feel like a failure, you really need to know that we all struggle with something similar.
Does it mean that we should forget these days that have been difficult for you as a mother?
We really need to always remember those hard days of motherhood, and make sure you share them with our friends and family when you find them struggling through the same phase.
Make your darkness bring a light in someone’s life.
I still remember there was one beautiful person who during my postpartum depression said to me, ” Sweetheart I have been through the same , and you will be perfectly fine soon enough”. I this gave me a sigh of relief.
Remember…your struggles can help someone.
Lets fight this situation together and pledge not to let any situation stop you from letting you enjoy mommyhood.
Lets Pledge to be happy and strong for the new little muffin.
P.S. share my article and spread the love . Lets make motherhood ROCKING!!
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